We all have an Imposter

In the Company of Women is a collection, by Grace Bonney, of inspirational moments and relatable reflections from a variety of professional women. This book was given to me by my mother about 6 years ago. Initially it did not fit into the typical compendium of professional resources but quickly became a place to jump in the minds of successful artists and entrepreneurs.

I connected to these women by relating to their struggles, finding inspiration in their success, and welcoming their creative advice.

This book has become a staple, sitting at the end of my bed, perched on a grey cowhide covered tray. I often find myself opening it when I need to capture another female’s inner vulnerability or simply feel less alone as I navigate through my professional and personal world.

I made several connections with accomplished individuals such as Eileen Fisher, who reminds us to take things a little slower and not get ahead of ourselves. Linda Rodin, who always captivates with her personal style, also inspired by the notion that she never sacrifices doing what she wants, she keeps everything going all the time. Expertise also came in unexpected places outside of the typical business world, such as an early connection with Lizzo, a humble musician, a few years before achieving mainstream fame.

All of these women added value to my thought process. But there was one surge of power and influence that struck me. An opinion that changed my perspective of how I viewed myself in my professional journey, and the anxiety that accompanies every rung of the ladder.

Preeti Mistry is a chef out of California, a strong leader who had made a career out of a passion for creating. After reading the clip, Mistry appeared in my mind to be a risk-taker who was willing to expose this amazing craft to the world. I imagined Mistry holding a self-awareness of the influence they have on others and the profession.

Mistry was asked, ‘Name a fear or professional challenge that keeps you up at night.’

Mistry’s response, ‘That I am a fraud, that somehow I’ve hoodwinked everyone into believing I’m better than I actually am.’

This response caused me to audibly gasp. It seemed that Mistry had been able to articulate in four words a feeling I have struggled with throughout my professional career.

I am a fraud. Every promotion I never felt ready for, every well-intentioned compliment calling out my strengths, every time I was asked to extend into bigger responsibilities came flashing back. The feeling that you don’t deserve to be in your position, and that eventually the universe will expose you as the nothing you have convinced yourself you are.

I have never seen anyone encapsulate these overwhelming feelings better than Mistry did. A quick google search will formally define this as ‘imposter syndrome.’ The internet and social media can provide you with a hundred definitions, tips, and strategies to overcome feelings of inadequacy. Standford University even has an entire section online specifically addressing imposter syndrome in their students.

Imposter Syndrome is an internal experience of doubting your abilities. You may be prone if you are an expert or highly skilled, someone who believes in their natural talent, and individuals who prefer to work alone.

Or you may be the overbearing perfectionist. The one who argues that you can’t possibly be a perfectionist as nothing you ever do is perfect.

I have had two dear friends who were high level executives in various companies. Both individuals received well deserved promotions within a few years of each other, and lived with the same imposter, igniting identical concerns:

I cannot believe this company thinks I can do this job.

I am absolutely not qualified to take the lead on this.

There are countless people who wanted this job and are much more qualified than me.

After talking it out for several hours I knew the best advice I could give was to demonstrate they were not alone. I sent both a copy of In the Company of Women with Mistry’s page flagged.

We all had identical reactions, this is what I have been trying to describe my whole career and thank goodness other clearly talented people feel the same.

I had to ask myself why? Why did all three of us have a sudden moment of understanding? Why did it take a famous chef’s raw answer to suddenly electrify our appreciation of what it means to feel unworthy?

It’s the connection with vulnerability. We can read the university’s literature or find the psychologist who coined the phrase, but until we see our own emotions mirrored in those we hold in a higher regard, it doesn’t resonate.

I had associated Mistry as someone who had accomplished the type of success I could only dream of. Chosen as a glowing example for inspiring and stimulating creativity in professional women. Mistry deserved the credit I gave them, and therefore the words ended up mattering more than Stanford’s ever could. Mistry's words felt real and authentic.

The following are personal recommendations from dealing with my own imposter syndrome over the years. This list is a compilation of strategies picked up from articles and colleagues that have helped me address imposter syndrome in my own career. However, this list is not a substitute for professional advice from mental health professionals and academic study on this topic.

1. Lean into imposter syndrome, there are times it keeps you humble. Sometimes you’re not good enough to sit at the table. But you are there, which means someone sees your potential. Listen and learn something from those that have already earned their chair. You must start somewhere and if you wait until you are perfectly prepared and ready the moment may pass you by. Sit down, now.

2. Tell a friend you feel like a fraud. Then they can tell you you’re not and to move on and do the job you were hired to do. (We do this frequently with each other).

3. Learn to take your wins. If you never take your wins, you will never believe you’re good enough. It’s one thing to be a high performer, but if you never acknowledge forward movement you will start to roll backward.

4. People do not pay attention or care about what you’re saying as much as you think they do. This is often your imposter leading you to believe that you are constantly being judged. If people are judging you, it’s because they are afraid of limited space at the top and their survival tactic is to push you down. The only person who can decide to not let that get the better of you is you.

5. Are you giving yourself more negative feedback than you are actually receiving? Ask for feedback from an honest source to see if it aligns with the negativity running through your mind.

6. If you think people are smarter than you, give them some credit. Listen and learn what they have to say. Don’t set yourself up by trying to act or appear smarter and more experienced, this is not going to solve the imposter syndrome. You are going to go much further anyways once you discover the geniuses around you and how to utilize them.

7. Reflect on your career. Has there ever been a moment where someone has ‘found you out’? Where you weren’t able to get the job done and had to take a step back because you took it on too soon? Sometimes we fail, but not always because we weren’t ready, sometimes it just wasn’t the right path. The best things in life are hard and uncomfortable. If you aren’t ready to be uncomfortable then you likely aren’t ready to move forward.

Be ready for distress, because advancement is going to be difficult.